There are plenty of arguments about whether relationships between band members are acceptable or not. In this article, we’ll tackle the questions about band members having love relationships and what the boundaries should be to maximise the success of your band.
If this is something that you’re considering, perhaps you’ve already fallen in love with a member of your band, you should take your time to do the proper research on how to go ahead with making the right decisions with respect to the other members and the future of your band.
By the way, if you are starting new in a new band and would like to make sure you stay on track, check out The MEGA Starting a Band Checklist to track your progress.
Is It Okay To Date A Band Member?
It is quite usual for people to fall in love while working closely alongside each other. Especially in an environment where people practice a hobby and spend a balance of social and productive time together. And to find bands who have band members being in relationships is also nothing out of the ordinary.
The main problem is that relationship conflicts and break-ups disrupt the momentum and harmony of the band, creating another stumbling block towards reaching its goals.
Since there’s nothing wrong with being in a stable relationship itself, it is okay to date a band member as long as your priorities and commitment to the band don’t change. The main risk is that if the relationship doesn’t work out, the whole band will struggle to recover from this. Continuing with both members will be a massive challenge in the case of a breakup.
Generally, we don’t recommend band members stepping into relationships with one another. The consequences of relationship downsides could be vital for the existence of the band if the involved members fail to deal with their relationship maturely and fairly.
The key is making all the decisions with the best of the band at the centre. If any decisions are made based on selfishness, the likeliness of the band surviving decreases significantly.
How Do I Date A Member Of My Band?
If you’ve fallen in love with a member of your band, you’ll need to put a few ground rules in place so that you can guarantee that the band stays stable.
I am no love professional, so take these steps only as advice from someone who sees the focus of your band objectively.
- Before you make an appointment to let the band member know how you feel, please take note of the risks of your decisions.
- It will certainly change the nature of your relationship with that person, either positively or negatively.
- It might be that one of the members will be asked to leave the band if it was a ground rule set in the agreement contract.
- Make an appointment with the member to talk and discuss your feelings and see if it’s mutual and if there’s potential for the long term on both sides.
- Be calm and empathetic to any answer that might come.
- Prepare yourself for the worst, but be relieved when there’s a possibility for some solutions.
- Discuss how you will let the other band members know.
- Your band members won’t all be equally happy for you and would feel like it’s against the “Band Code Of Conduct”.
- Set a plan of when to see each other away from the band so that band practice and performance times can solely be focused on the band as a unit.
- Tell the band at the next gathering about the potential relationship.
- Some band members might have already got a sniff in the nose.
- Make it clear that the band time belongs to the band and that you’re all a unit when you’re together for band reasons.
- Make sure that you take it extremely slow but with a genuine commitment to hold together.
- The drama starts as soon as there are semi-commitments within the relationship.
- Ask for questions or feedback from your other band members and their opinions.
- It’s key for everyone to feel heard and respected.
- Other members might have suggestions or requests on how the band’s well-being can be taken care of.
- Revise the band contract and practice etiquette.
- Discuss what the consequences will be for bad vibes or band members losing their interest or failed commitment.
- Check your goal timeline and make sure you are staying on track.
- Get back to practice and performing.
- Band members should know that you take their commitment to the band seriously and that you are trying to deal with the newly formed relationship as well and maturely as possible.
Remember that there are great things that can also come from relationships. Especially when it’s a stable environment that the whole band can profit from.
Do Band Relationships Work?
Since there are variations of relationships and bands, I discussed a few of them below.
An Established Couple In A Band
If a couple in a stable relationship steps into a new or established band, the other members can profit from the stability and the automatic chemistry within the band.
One should be careful that a relationship in a band doesn’t form a clique where other members can feel excluded or less valuable.
It is key that ground rules for practices and performance times are laid down to keep it fair, objective and productive.
Usually, these couples already found their dynamic of working together and they harmonise well within a team setup.
My sister and brother-in-law have performed in the same band for the last 15 years. They are a unit and they think alike, so they will stand together when someone is being treated unfairly. But they treat all band members with the same amount of love and respect.
They are very empathetic towards their band members and do everything they can to support them and guide them.
A New Grounded Relationship In The Same Band
A couple that only starts dating while they are together in the same band will need to find the rhythm in their relationship first.
It would be key to keep the stability of the band and to focus on your goals as a unit. When you are in a freshly grounded relationship the priorities tend to fall behind.
Band Members Dating Across Other Bands
You also often see people in the music industry meet and fall in love with members of other bands.
This is probably my most preferred situation since there are plenty of advantages:
- This motivates regular networking
- Both bands will perform together more often which guarantees more gigs
- Organising tours together is easier in a package deal
- Your following will increase by fan sharing
Do Band Members Fall In Love?
Of course, band members also fall in love with other members. It is normal in a social, creative and recreational activity that people will engage in an informal and friendly approach.
This often leads from friendly cooperation and respectful interaction to valuable friendship to falling in love and becoming a stronger unit together.
Being in a relationship means putting work and effort into a person to make the relationship work. This is not easy to balance out with your normal job, your band and with your relationship.
I highly recommend that you scan through my article How to Balance Your Band Commitments With Your Personal Life to stabilise your band and relationship.
This article was written and published by De Wet from startingmyband.com on 17.08.2023. The content was stolen from me if this blog post is seen anywhere other than on my website.
Should I Join A Band Where 2 Members Are Dating?
This depends on your connection and relationship with the members of the band.
Here are 2 tips that I can recommend before making your decision:
- Arrange a meetup with one of the other band members to:
- Form a connection
- To ask about the stability of the band with the relationship
- Ask about the band stability and be aware of how many member changes took place during the last 24 months.
- Ask for a 3-6 month trial period
- This will give you the freedom to try it out before fully committing.
- You will not feel forced to stay and can take your time to get a proper feel for the band chemistry.
- The band will be more aware of being fair and treat you with respect and not as a newbie.
How Do You Date A Band Member?
Falling in love with a band member is easy, but dating a person playing in a band and keeping the relationship stable and balanced is challenging.
The biggest challenge is probably to support all the opportunities that the band will take on and the exposure that the band will get. If you are easy and comfortable with that all, then I reckon that you’re on the right track.
It’s not for the faint-hearted and you’ll need to be very secure and stable also in yourself.
What You Need To Be Aware Of
- There will be many late nights of performances, sometimes out of the band’s control.
- There will be plenty of fans and interested people.
- Be careful about this one. It might sound easy to ignore but before you find yourself, you’ll start to feel insecure.
- The band will also become your lifestyle and your social life
- Where the band performs is also where you’ll go that weekend.
- You’ll need to support your partner to make the right decisions for the band and not always only about what your relationship needs.
- You’ll need to let go at times and let your partner do their thing on tour on stage and just trust that all will go well.
A friend of mine, who is one of the best performance bassists in his country, is together with a single mom (not so single anymore, but you understand what I mean), and she shows immense maturity to always be alright with him performing and she’s keeping house for herself and her son until he returns from tour or local gigs.
They found the best rhythm for their lives. Routine is the healthiest ingredient for stability in any relationship.
Again, all of the info above is from my experience or how I would objectively want a relationship taking place in my band. I am no expert in giving relationship advice, but only refer to the band and musical side of things.
Here are some of my latest articles that might interest you:
- Being in a Band is Hard Work
- Are Band Members Friends?
- Why Musicians Listen To Their Own Music
- 10 Reasons Why You Should Join a Rock Band
- What Are The Main Risks of Becoming a Musician?
If you have any other questions or scenarios you’d like me to expand on, please add them to the comments below!
Rock ‘n Roll Boys and Girls!